run run run to a far off place (hateturnstolove) wrote in whoiamtoday,
run run run to a far off place

Well, this has been a depressing week(s). The department of social services came to inspect my house and judge if my parents were harming me physically. They found no evidence and left but are forcing me to see a psycologist because I'm apprently the problem. The faculty and staff at my school have deemed me as the "problematic" girl so they have me practically wired in school. I swear just to spite them one of these days I'll slit my wrists and smear bloody words all over the bathroom mirrors. I dream of leaving here. But my Mother just told me I could not afford to go to a good college. So I'll live at home and go to a community college. I can't get a job right now even to save money because 1)My arm/wrist are still broken from the car accident and 2) I have a learning disability so I can't balance acedemics, social life, AND a job... I'd get poor grades. I feel like a disease. I'm not good at anything. I have my art and poetry but I'm to focused on doing my fucking school work so I can't take time for myself. I'm ready to snap. Correction: I have snapped. I have no one to talk to, and essentially nothing to live for. I try really hard and I'll never be good enough. I have been trying at school and I still have straight B's. Yeah, I'm a perfectionist with a learning disability that works out well. So school is hell for me and my social life is lacking because I don't feel like my friends care, but I can't expect them to care because I'm not telling them about DSS, or my intense fear of men, or the psycologist which I am dreading (and seeing for the first time tomorow). I've been reviewing the idea of overdosing sleeping pills for the last two weeks. Or just slitting my wrists, I've tried to kill myself before but I always woke up, I just slit my wrists... so I think I subconsciously wanted to wake up. But this time I'm not so sure. I don't have any attachment to anything or anyone. Please help me. And please don't say "join things" etc because I'm on student council, yearbook staff, philosophy club, history club, and book club. I am active member at a gym (well used to be before I got into the car accident), those things I enjoy but it's not like they make my life better, the dss is still there, the cutting is still there, my eating disorder is still there. Please just help me... Sorry for the rant. I suck.

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