(no subject)

Well, this has been a depressing week(s). The department of social services came to inspect my house and judge if my parents were harming me physically. They found no evidence and left but are forcing me to see a psycologist because I'm apprently the problem. The faculty and staff at my school have deemed me as the "problematic" girl so they have me practically wired in school. I swear just to spite them one of these days I'll slit my wrists and smear bloody words all over the bathroom mirrors. I dream of leaving here. But my Mother just told me I could not afford to go to a good college. So I'll live at home and go to a community college. I can't get a job right now even to save money because 1)My arm/wrist are still broken from the car accident and 2) I have a learning disability so I can't balance acedemics, social life, AND a job... I'd get poor grades. I feel like a disease. I'm not good at anything. I have my art and poetry but I'm to focused on doing my fucking school work so I can't take time for myself. I'm ready to snap. Correction: I have snapped. I have no one to talk to, and essentially nothing to live for. I try really hard and I'll never be good enough. I have been trying at school and I still have straight B's. Yeah, I'm a perfectionist with a learning disability that works out well. So school is hell for me and my social life is lacking because I don't feel like my friends care, but I can't expect them to care because I'm not telling them about DSS, or my intense fear of men, or the psycologist which I am dreading (and seeing for the first time tomorow). I've been reviewing the idea of overdosing sleeping pills for the last two weeks. Or just slitting my wrists, I've tried to kill myself before but I always woke up, I just slit my wrists... so I think I subconsciously wanted to wake up. But this time I'm not so sure. I don't have any attachment to anything or anyone. Please help me. And please don't say "join things" etc because I'm on student council, yearbook staff, philosophy club, history club, and book club. I am active member at a gym (well used to be before I got into the car accident), those things I enjoy but it's not like they make my life better, the dss is still there, the cutting is still there, my eating disorder is still there. Please just help me... Sorry for the rant. I suck.

(no subject)

Hi everyone again!
- It's been a long time since I've written and asked for advice. Last time I was livejournal and recieved a bunch of replies was back beginning of August. I just want to thank everyone for taking time and writing their comment and advices for me. they truly helped! xoxox!

But there's another delimma. I'm not going to make one of the 'longest' post that someone has seen so im going to try and make it short as possible. I'm the girl that posted about being with her boyfriend for two years and got back together in the summer and he heard rumors that I slept around and cheated on him and he didnt believe me and said some hurtful things to me that I tried to commit suicide and ended up having to seek help. Well he just completely stopped talking to me and we havent spoken or seen each other in over 2 1/2 months. Well now he started to contact me, and tried to talk and now he wants to get back together and realized he made a mistake and NOW realizes that I was telling the truth and did not cheat on him. I mean he told me it was a mistake to love me and a mistake to get back together in the summer and now he tells me he realized what he had when he lost me and never wants to lose me. He tells me how much he loves me and needs me... but he hurt me so badly that I dont know what love is that i dont know about caring and I dont know what to do. I love him and still care for him just indifferent wants. He thinks we're back together but I want to be with him but there's something that's holding me back. I mean he LEFT me, he didnt TRUST me, he couldnt even TALK to me about it just falt out accused me of cheating and stopped talking and put me through shit. I dont know if I need time to myself or to try and slowly get back together... Im scared of getting hurt and for him to lie and I dont know what to do! I guess you can from coming back to school and starting a new life without him and meeting new people and trying to move on helped and I became adjusted to it and out of the blue right when im getting my life back on track he starts talking to me,and it's like I'm not used to this that I'm being all thrown off... and starting to get all depressed about it. I need as much help as possible please! I dont need this anymore in my life I just want to be HAPPY! I hope you guys can help!

Thanks Guys! Love you LJ!

No sluts

New to the community

Well the general guidelines said that an introduction would be nice so here goes. I'm a 22 year old female from Illinois. I work full time and got to school full time as well as being the president of a student club on campus. Now I guess I should explain why I joined. I'm a psychology major, I love hearing other peoples problems and trying to help them through them. If I can't help them, then at least lend an ear. I had a decent childhood, raised on a farm, loving parents, loving grandmother, grandfather who tried to kill me daily... Let's just say I've hit a few bumps along the way and I think that being a friend to someone is the best thing someone can be. Sometimes what seems like something so small can mean the world to someone else. No one should have to feel alone, and they aren't. Guess that's why I joined...
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(no subject)

Hi. I'm new to this community & I really need some advice. First off, I'm 17 & I dont have many friends. 3 years ago I messed around online & made up a life. I became very close to this one girl & still am. Well, she's been wanting to meet me for the longest & somehow I've managed to get out of it. The guilt, of course, has eaten at me until I'm at the point I am. I'm ready to kill myself. I'm not sure what I should do. I feel I have no one to talk to about this. I don't want anyone to find out because I regret it terribly. We are still close but I'm tired of all this. I just want to live my normal life. As much as I want to be close to her just as me I kno it isn't possible. I feel trapped & I'm about to end my life over this. Can anyone give me any advice? I would prefer if it's 100% negative then to just not reply. Can you help?

Thank you for your time.

(no subject)

Hello, I'm new to this community. I hope to find what I'm looking for here.
I'm a pretty problematic person I decided, I need something, not so much solace but someone to straighten me out.

Okay, I'll give you some background on me.

I've been a cutter for two-three years.
I have EDNOS. [Both of things I am not looking to improve or quit.]

My grades are inconsistant.
9th and 10th grade my grades were mediocre.
I'm not dense, just a victim of ill circumstance and apathy.

I adore art, writing, poetry.
I'm a huge beatnick.

I want to be an art therapist.

I am scatterbrained and never on time.

Okay, into complete.. hope you don't hate me.

So my problems.
I do nothing productive with myself because I don't know where to start.
I can't organize myself or my time. If someone could please just organize me, if I give them a list of things, just tell me what to do first and how much time I should dedicate to everything.

So comment if you could help with that and I'll post the list.


I have other issues but I need to get all my things ot of the way before I focus on tose things.

thanks xoxo.

(no subject)

I no longer know what to do. I've been with this guy for two years, dating pretty seriously. We met our senior year of high school things were going really well...Then we went off to College, separate colleges 3 hours apart from one another. We've been this strong dependency on each other where we would visit one another on the weekends. We loved each other so much but arguments started... The long distances were really hard. I felt depressed and would cut myself it was hard and at times I'd fly back home to be with family because I was so homesick. Anyway... we fought and fought over the stupidest things. I then transfered to the school where my boyfriend was. I did not go there because he was there.... I actually was accepted there 1st semester but didnt want to go to the same school because I felt that there would be wayy too much dependency but I transfered to get into this program that I wanted to study. January when I first arrived things were a little cold towards one another had arguments here and there, but we had our good days. It just seems as though once we left home things started to fall apart. I mean dont get me wrong, the relationship we had was healthy. So febuary came around and things just got worse and worse and we became distant. He was upset that I was making more friends than him and I had only been there for one month. As a side note, 1st semester I did not go out at all to show that he can trust me you know... anyway so we started to do our own things. As Febuary came to an end we decided to take a break because the arguments just got worse and worse... So we hardly spoke it was really sad and upseting because he was my best friend.... I started to go and meet new people, try and make new friends it was hard because alot of the times I did not want to go out because he was always on my mind and I wanted to be with him. I guess by me not going out as much 1st smester I needed to get my energy out. He was ready to settle and I wasnt I mean dont get me wrong 18 years old I want to go out and have some fun first you know. He admitted later on he was controlling a bit but also on my part I wasnt thinking of his feelings in which I should have. Anyway... So I had a bad experience in the past 2 years ago where ever since I've had big issues being alone with a guy. So I've always had this (i know im a dork but w.e) buddy system thing with a close friend that we'd stick together no matter what... so when a guy wanted to hang out I'd always ask to hangout as a group and I'd bring a few friends along, so what if I didnt get to know the guy one on one but at the same time, I felt more comfortable around people I knew and trusted. I kissed a guy at the end of the school year but it meant nothing at all.. I wasnt looking for a relationsihp and he commented that the kiss we had felt like his 5 year old cousin would kiss him goodbye... I was like uhhhhhh ok?!?!?! lol messed up but whatever it meant nothing. Through all this time it was hard because I kept thinking about my ex. There's a reason as well why he broke up with me. When I was at a kegger I was with friends and we were all just joking around and a friend and I for a silly reason gave the "peck" face but later on in the pic looking at it looks like we were kissing and I guess it was bad... and my boyfriend didnt know what to think and it was understandble... and he wouldnt want to talk to me... I mean my friend that was in the picture with me is gay.... so I dunno... anyway.... So summer arrived and we havent really spoken or seen each other... we lost touch or I guess you can say cut communicating for about a good month... and started to talk it was hard at first being 'just' friends but it was nice to see him than not seeing him at all. Beginning of June, I had mentioned to him that I was sick from the pregnancy I had with him a year 1/2 ago... I dunno if it was out of pitty or because he really wanted to at first but started to hang out... later on I knew it's because he wanted to. Anyway, he held a get together where he drank ALOT with his friends and did his own thing, he thought that this get together would help me be a little happier and not to think much of the worst that could happen... so I got to see my friends and I was happy. Anyway so he got really really drunk pretty much close to alcohol poisining, everyone left to go to a party and I ended up staying at taking care of him. Yes, we were only friends and I didnt have to stay and I could have gone to the party with my friends but I loved him and still cared and I mean if I were in that position I knew he would do the same for me...so I made sure he was still breathing and he was alright. I would check up on him almost every 10 minutes... I didnt get much sleep but i was worried. The next morning he didnt remember anything so I had to tell him the entire story... since that night it was like we became closer as friends... still hard being 'just' friends but it was nice... Later on, two weeks, I wrote him this note, because earlier in the summer he wanted to know how I felt and I didnt have the right words really so I told him I would let him know when I knew what I wanted to say... and I wrote him this letter with a card and it's like he rejected me, I was so upset and devistated but we started talking and ended up hanging out the rest of the night and we ended up sleeping together... and since then we started to fool around we didnt know what was going on, sort of confusing, it felt right at times and it felt wrong at times but we still loved each other and missed each other. We'd hangout everyday without the affection towards one another it was nice. As July came along I went to Canada for vacation for 2 weeks.... we tried to keep in touch as much but the long distance was hard because I had family things to deal with and he was working everyday. When I came back a couple days after I came back, we went out for dinner and a movie. We talked alot about our past relationship with one another and questioned how things would be. We truly opened up at dinner and at times I wanted to cry but I managed to hold it all in. Later on that evening as we were getting ready to see a movie, he asked me "why dont we give it another shot" and I was happy but surprised at the same time to hear him as that. I was not sure if I wanted to because we did argue alot in the past and was really hurt and I didnt want to get hurt again and he said that if it didnt work out we'd promise each other to remain best friends and still be there for each other.... so I said alright... it was weird to go back again to dating the holding hands and affection it was weird but took time to adapt to. So things were going well... we agreed that the relationship would only work if there was trust and communication so we started to communicate more. If something was wrrong we'd talk about it and we did. It's like we became closer in a way and I was somewhat starting to get happy or feel what happy was like. It was like a natural high... anyway... Beginning of August his friend from school Mike, came down to visit him... and I dont really like the kid because I felt like he was a bad influence on my boyfriend but I didnt know him much so I gave it another chance to get to know him. So my bf had a last get together on a friday and alot of people showed up... we drank alot and caught up with friends it was nice... but my boyfriend didnt talk to me as much and I guess it was understandble bc there were guests but it bothered me because he'd have his hand around my friend and talked to her face pretty close... it was as though he were talking to her more than me... and I guess it was a form of jealousy but Im sure he wouldnt like it if I were like that to a guy that close to his face... anyway I got sick later on in the night and almost passed out outside.. he didnt care to see how I was and it hurt because earlier in the summer I was there for him.. and he got all upset.. an yway I tried to talk about it in the morning and he'd deny it but w.e he apologies so I was like hm ok he does care ok. Saturday night he went to his dad's house with his friend and mentioned to me that he wanted to hang out, so I invited him and his friend over and to ask other people to come but he told me they were too tired and wanted to stay at his dad's. Later on I find out they went out I just wish he was honest... We planned to go to the beach monday and tuesday so we tried to plan it out sunday night... on the phone he was cold and bitter... when I wasnt done talking he thought I was done and yelled out "BYE" and I asked if I could finish and he yelled "hurry the fuck up" and he's never like that he's always sweet and kind.. so I didnt knwo what was going on. He then avoided me for several days... I find out from a friend that my bf was avoiding me because "I slept around at school, and cheated on him" It hurt that people would say such a thing because I'm honestly not like that. I've NEVER EVER EVER cheated on him. I believe no person deserves that at all to be cheated on. and a cheater has no self dignity or respect for people. Yes I will agree that we've lied towards one another but I would never lie in a way that would hurt the relationship. I dont understand! Yes I did kiss a guy but that was when we broke up. I mean he kissed a girl in september when we were TOGETHER and told me in April... he asked me if I did anything with a guy and I should have flat out told him about kissing a guy but I didnt think it was that big... i still should have been open about it. I do remember when I came back from school I spoke to a few girls... and they thought I'd move on fast from him so I didnt want to seem like wuss or like a dependent freak on him so I made up crap that I moved on from him and got with all these guys... but I never thought that would get back to him... I mean one of my friends she even commented what a bad liar I was and knew by just looking at me that I loved my bf too much to do that... and it was silly and stupid for me to do but I just hate it when people make fun of me... and it didnt cross my mind and I should have told him but I didnt think it mattered. I mean he knows my past and he knows that I get uncomfortable around guys alone. I wouldnt be in a room alone with a guy I didnt know or a guys he didnt know like my guys friends from home I was fine because I really knew them... but he doesnt believe me.. and I dont blame him I mean people will believe the worst. If I cheated on him while we were together, why would I be around all the argument why would I stick around to try and fix it, why would i cry every night wanting to fix things with him? He yelled at me saying that he didnt hate me but I feel like he does. He told me I was a mistake everything was a mistake getting back together and loving me was a mistake. It hurts sooo much to wake up everyday and know that everything was a mistake to him.... I mean god I should have been honest with my girlfriends... I just dont know what to do... I wrote him a letter explaining everything but he prob thinks that Im just lying and I dont know what to do... and this is where I'm asking for your advice... I never cheated on him. I did so much and went out of my way for him why would I cheat on someone I love that's what I dont get?!?!?! WHAT DO I DO!?!?! i feel like he's not going to talk to me anymore... and he hasnt. We go to the same university just live like 2 minutes away... we weont have internet or a phone right when we get there bc we will be living in a new house separate houses... do I give him his space not communicating and then stop by his place and tyr to talk to him? or let him come to me?! it's not even that i just really want to make him see that I am telling the truth... I feel like im in a movie where a crime as been committed and i'm on death row for it and I didnt even commit the crime you know... I've been crying everyday straight had no motivation on going out and became suicidal... i feel like I have nothing to live for... and i havent done anything stupid because I keep hoping the next day that he will realize the truth and speak to me.. but I dont even know if he read my email that i wrote to him or not. I NEED YOUR HELP because im starting to become depressed and I've almost done stupid things that I'm getting sent away for help before school and I just need ur help on giving me advice on what to do. He's my life, my sanity! I used to cut and was depressed but he helped me stop and he taught me what love was and he was my best friend and it's like a huge part of me is missing... please help... - as many people as possible would be nice to hear just to see what you guys say I would truly appreciate it.... as you can see I am truly upset... and falling into a depression over something stupid I did... from now I im sticking to the truth and not making up stuff just to try and make myself feel better... and to be honest no matter how much people will make fun of me... it was a mistake and he's never going to believe me. I just hope that one day he realizes that I was telling the truth.... I pray.

New Here

hi my name is Emily Uckele, I am 13 and I have gone through many problems in my life, and I have one question before i start opening up in this community more, Can I get removed from this community?
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an introduction :)

I'm new to the community so I thought I would introduce myself before I start posting anything. My name is Veronica and I'm 20 years old, and I live in BC, Canada. I'm going through some hard times right now and I stumbled across this community and so I thought it would be a good idea to join.

I'm going through a long-distance thing with my boyfriend right now of about a year and a half. Last summer he went away for a month to work on an oil rig overseas to make some money and advance his career and such. Then he went away again for 3 months and just got back before December. And now he's leaving again tomorrow for maybe 3 months and I'm having a tough time dealing with it. Especially since it feels like he JUST got back from the last time. It's really really taking it's toll on me emotionally. A lot of crying and being miserable etc. Everyone says that time will go by quick and I should just keep busy, but I think these people have never had a long-distance relationship before. Phone calls are really expensive as well (last time a 30 min call cost me 130 dollars) so we won't even get to talk much. It's such a big adjustment from seeing someone almost everyday and waking up with them beside you, to not even being able to talk. Anyways if anyone has some insights, advice, or anything they'd want to share, feel free :)

- Veronica

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